


Deserving

by waywardangel (leviarty)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Catharsis, Cute, Dean Winchester Self-Love, Dreams, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Fairly happy middle too, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, the ending dean and cas and jensen and misha deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27656845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviarty/pseuds/waywardangel
Summary: "I saw Chuck's ending for us. For me. It was shit."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Claire Novak & Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 142





	Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> Follow up to [Hopeless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27648050); you don’t need read that first, but things might make a touch more sense if you do.

Dean stood in the field above the bunker, shouting, for what felt like hours. It was lucky that they were well away from the rest of Lebanon, because he certainly looked like a basket case—wearing flannel and sweatpants, no shoes, yelling incoherently at the sky as though it might answer. As though it were a long-lost friend.

Two separate vehicles did pass by, their drivers slowing as they passed, watching, with concerned expressions, a man they could only assume had lost his tether to reality.

“Cas,” Dean said. His face was raised to the sky, his eyes closed in something that might’ve even resembled reverence. He let out a sigh as he dug his bare toes into the dirt. “I got some shit to say, man. And I need to say it to _you_. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever is keeping you away. Please. I need to see you.”

There was no change in the air, no slight flutter of wings, no tingling at the base of his neck. None of the usual signs that he wasn’t alone. He peeked one eye open and looked around just to be sure. Nothing.

“Coward,” he said.

Sam found him sitting against the south wall of the bunker, his head back, eyes closed. He had stopped yelling, stopped praying, but was still waiting. Waiting for what, he didn’t quite know.

“You okay, man?”

Dean shrugged. “Eh.” He opened his eyes, squinting up at his brother. “I’m just an idiot who waited too long to say something I should’ve said years ago. No big deal.”

“Dean—” Sam started.

“I’ll be fine, Sammy,” he said. “Hey, don’t you have a thing with Eileen today?” He looked down at his wrist, only to realize he’d never put on his watch.

“Yeah, but I can cancel—”

“Don’t you dare,” Dean said. “Go to your pottery class or nature walk or whatever the heck it is you two do.”

“Indoor skydiving,” Sam supplied.

“Indoor… seriously?”

Sam shrugged. “It’s fun.”

“Okay, man, whatever floats your boat. Go get your girl. Have fun.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said again. “I’ll go back in soon.” He was kind of enjoying the sun though. Maybe he’d stay here a while longer.

“Okay,” Sam said, nodding. “Claire is in the area for a case, I’ll have her drop by when she’s done.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I know.”

The sun was shining brightly, spreading warmth across his face and chest. There was a salty smell in the air, and gulls chirping. His toes dug into the sand, burrowing below the hot top layer and into the cool granules below. There was a rustling murmur as waves gently broke the shore.

Dean opened his eyes.

A dream.

He looked down at himself, wearing a bright, floral Hawaiian shirt and navy-blue swim trunks. The beach was quiet, peaceful. The canvas beach chair next to his was empty.

Until it wasn’t.

“Hello, Dean.”

“’Bout damn time,” he said.

“We are trying to keep angels from interfering with earthly affairs,” Cas said. “I had to wait until you fell asleep.”

“What about before that?” Dean asked. “We saved the world days ago. You couldn’t even say hi, tell me you were okay?”

“I should have. I’m sorry.”

Dean nodded. “Jack said… things are good?”

Cas half-smiled. “Yes. Heaven is as it should be.”

“But?" Dean asked, sensing there was something he wasn’t saying.

“I miss earth,” Cas said. “Heaven is finally _right,_ and while I should feel like I belong there… I miss earth.”

“Jack said he gave you the choice though.”

Cas nodded. “I… You didn’t need me.”

Dean could’ve laughed at the audacity of that. But he didn’t. “You’re right, we don’t need you,” he said. “But I want you here.”

Cas studied him for a moment. “Do you?”

Dean reached over and took Cas’ hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. “I love you,” he said after a while. It came easier than he expected, though he wasn’t sure if it was because they were literally in his subconscious, or because he was just so tired of pretending otherwise. “I love you,” he said again, letting the joy of it wash over him. Cas was right, wasn’t he. There was happiness just in saying it. “I have for a while, _years_.”

Cas hand tightened around his own.

“I thought… I thought you could never feel the same,” Dean said. “So I pushed you away and I tried to bury it.”

“But I do feel the same. I thought you—” he paused. “There were a multitude of reasons I thought it wasn’t mutual.”

“You’re saying we’re both a couple of dumbasses?”

“I prefer oblivious.”

Dean smiled at him. He relaxed back into his chair, but didn’t take his eyes off the angel.

“I saw Chuck’s ending for us,” he said after a while. “For _me_.”

“Oh?”

“It was shit.”

“Well, that’s not surprising.”

“No but, I don’t know, man, I just can’t shake it. We were his _friends_ at one point. But at the end of the day, he only saw us as his toys; he forgot we were actual people, too. Real people with hopes and desires and…” he trailed off.

“It really bothers you,” Cas said.

“I deserved better!” he exclaimed. “I just _died_. Sam got to go on and live his life, and I’d like to think he got to be happy, but I… what about what I wanted? I deserved better.”

“You did,” Cas agreed. “You do.”

“Yeah. And now it’s too late for us, isn’t it? You’re in heaven, I’m here.”

“Maybe not,” Cas said.

Dean looked to him in surprise and confusion. “What?”

Cas used their still-linked hands to pull him closer, bring his free hand up to Dean’s cheek. He pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Dean’s mouth. “I’ll be back,” he said. Then he disappeared.

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath… and woke up.

The sun was just starting to set in Lebanon, sending the sky into brilliant purple. Dean found himself smiling as he pulled himself to his feet and wandered back to the bunker.

Claire was pulling up to the front just as he got there, her little blue car creaking and rattling. Dean walked over, poking his head in the open passenger window.

“Hey, kid,” he said.

“Hey, old man,” she shot back.

“Sounds like you could use a tune-up,” he said. “Pull her into the garage, let’s see what we can do.”

She nodded and shifted back into drive, following him down to the garage.

“You didn’t have to come,” he said, passing her a beer he’d grabbed from the minifridge.

She shrugged. “I wanted to,” she said, popping the cap. “How’ve you been? Sounds like you’ve had a hectic year.”

“Try fifteen,” he said. “Try forty-one.”

“Man, you are old,” she said.

He swatted at her with a grease-stained rag, then turned his attention back to her car.

“Sam was worried about you,” she said. “But you seem, I don’t know, _lighter_?”

Dean smiled. “I talked to Cas. He’s coming home, I think.”

Claire smiled back at him. “That’s good.”

“Alright, start ‘er up,” he said, clapping his hands when they finished working on the car late the next day. Her car started up easily, running smooth.

“Good as new,” she said, grinning. “You’re really good at this.”

Dean shrugged. He was good at it, and more importantly, he _liked_ it.

“Well, she could do with a new paint job. We can pop by the hardware store in the morning, if you wanna hang out a little longer.”

She smiled and nodded. “Can we do, like, really dark, shiny purple?”

“Whatever you want,” he said, throwing his arm over her shoulder. He pulled her in, kissing her temple as they walked back into the bunker.

Sam and Eileen came back that evening, just in time for the dinner Dean was preparing for them all. Grilled chicken and cavatappi with creamy pesto, and the best garlic knots he’d ever made.

“You’re good at this, too,” Claire said quietly, as Sam made obscene noises that seemed to agree.

“This is very good,” Eileen said.

Dean smiled, accepting their praise before digging into his own food.

“I think I found us a case,” Sam said, looking briefly up from his laptop as Dean entered the main library.

Dean shook his head. “I’m done,” he said.

Sam looked up again, furrowing his brow. “What?”

“I’m not hunting anymore. I’m done, Sammy.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“We can do one last hunt together, if you want, one last hurrah. But I’m done.”

“No, that’s… that’s okay. I’m just surprised.”

Dean shrugged.

“I mean, I know we’ve sort of talked about it before, I guess I just didn’t think it would ever actually happen.”

“Yeah, well. Things change. I change.”

“Its not because of the thing you saw, Chuck’s ending, is it?”

Dean shook his head. “I’m doing it for me.”

Sam cracked a smile. “Good,” he said. “Any idea what you’ll do?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

Cas didn’t come back right away, and Dean didn’t expect him to just reappear on earth immediately, but after the sixth day, not having seen him in his dreams either, he started to worry.

What if the whole thing had been _just_ a dream? What if none of it was real?

What if Cas wasn’t coming back at all?

He didn’t had long to worry, though, because that thought barely had time to eat into him before the bunker door hissed and creaked open. Cas stood in the doorway, his usually dirty trench coat looking a little worse for the wear.

Dean felt his whole face light up at the sight of him. “Welcome home,” he said.

They met at the base of the stairs, kissing when they finally reunited, earning whoops and whistles from Sam and Eileen and Claire as they did.

“Shuddup,” Dean said when he pulled away, but there was no force behind in, no abashment in the display of affection.

Dean snorted at the sign at the entrance to the nature walk ‘take only pictures, leave only footprints’. It was corny, but made him feel weirdly peaceful. He laced his fingers with Cas’ as they walked, admiring the birds and flowers and squirrels and trees. For the first time, he saw more in the forest than just the monsters that could be lurking.

Somewhere around the butterfly garden, he stopped.

It was a moment before Cas realized, now a pace ahead of him, though still connected by their hands. The angel turned to him with question, then concern in his eyes.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

Dean nodded. “I’m happy,” he said, suddenly needing Cas to understand.

Cas smiled. “Me too,” he said.

Dean smiled back at him, and they carried on.


End file.
